my future

before i go on with my blog, may i give my very warm congratualtions to the baulko team! congratz girls! woot! keep it up!

ive been thinking a lot lately about my future and what will become of me, now that a lot of people have started thinking of electives. everyone has so many opinions. and those opinions really influence others opinions too. and sometimes it is really confusing to organise your thoughts. so i am going to use blogging as a way to clear them. please be warned, this may be boring and it may not make sense.

the choices for electives are quite limited...at least for me. their isnt much for me. many of my friends are taking techs or drama or sth thats not necessarily like maths and english. but i know thats not really for me. so im left with not much choice. i must prepare for being alone for next year. maybe...the freak? like i already am. haha...and im not trying to get many ppl saying youre not a freak...its just my thought.

and that leads onto some more. i do not want to attract attention. i know what attention can do to me how it can wreck me. but sometimes i really really want someone to be by my side just to give me a helping hand. but most of the time, thats just a dream. who am i kidding? i cannot rely on that hand that keeps me balanced. i must find another way to keep myself balanced. must rely on myself. must LEARN to rely on myself.

back to my future. i cannot believe myself. talk about my "pro" organisation skills. sometimes i wish my life was set out and handed to me in a scroll. i would know exactly where i will go and i wouldnt have to write this blog. i have always aimed to be a doctor. it has been my life's goal for many years. to help someone, to save someone. but now, im not sure if i want to take that path. i dont know whether ill be determined enough to do that.

my life is all in a tangle i just cant believe it. before i could see my future stretched out in front of me. but now...its all in mist and fog. some people have asked me things about the future that i dont know and cannot see. it frustrates me how i cant give them straight answers, making me squint. but no matter how hard squint, i wont be able to see anything. sorry if i cant give you straight answers, i just cant see my own footsteps.

ok. im done with my thinking process. now onto my usual blog.

i hate it when im in the middle of sth. like exact middle. not really in a fight, but in the friendship groups. others may not see that way, but i certainly do. im like the golden, but thin chain that connects. its so thin that no one notices. and that means it is easilly broken or shaken. its so hard to keep it together sometimes. and sometimes, i dont want to tell anyone this in case they drown in the same depression "well" im in. its time i opened up slightly. i must learn to get a grip on my self confidence.

crap. must go to sleep and get some rest.

love kyexx