despair

i dont know why im writing this. maybe to clear my thoughts again. im so sorry if this gets boring. ill write another blog after this.

i wish i didnt stuff up my life like this. its not cuz i made my so called mistake. no. i made a mistake. i different sort of mistake, that dropped me right to the bottom of a well, cut my secure rope off. and now i have to climb my way back up it. try as i may, i cant find any route. im stuck. stuck in this darkness...

in my darkest hours, i had no help at all, which is not the point. the point is that i couldnt tell anyone, my closest ones were pushing me to the limit and i was falling. i couldve stopped myself from falling. but no. i cant fight against the will of my loved ones. and i fell in. though i didnt feel the fall at that time. but i feel it now. aching, stressing, sadness overwhelming me.

i cant believe that i missed all the essential clues. i must be completely crazy. i think i am. i missed absolutely everything. i was so blinded that i didnt see, didnt realise. so i had two choices. so i chose you. the determination was at peak at first. the betrayal. and now its rock bottom. people assume so much these days. its like im climbing this long long rope and losing the battle. i cant believe that i was that...stupid. I assumed too much. i hoped too much. damn.

ive done so much and lost so much and gained absolutely nothing except for one lesson. and now...back to step one. and back to the sadness that i was in, that i overcame, 3 years ago. starting all over again...